The Cocaine Owlbear

Alright, here’s a quick one about a silly encounter I threw into The World Rune. This was right after the movie Cocaine Bear had come out, and jokes about it were all over the internet. To this day I haven’t seen it (and probably never will) but that didn’t stop me from putting a D&D-ified version of the voraciously drugged out mammal in my adventure.

The party were traveling by airship over a vast forest when they spotted a merchant vessel hovering just above the canopy and waving an emergency flag. When the party brought their ship down beside them, the merchants explained that their precious cargo had gone overboard after the ship was hit by a magical wind, and they were struggling to find it again. They explained that their cargo was a new type of the very valuable Potion of Speed, with the water boiled away to produce a salt-like crust, which was then crushed into a powder. This new substance was significantly more concentrated than regular speed potions, and more efficient to transport. Essentially, they were selling speed powder.

At this point, the players were already snickering at the idea of snorting concentrated speed potions. None of them had made the connection to the currently popular movie, and so the party agreed to help look for the lost cargo. It was nearly impossible to see anything through the dense forest canopy, so they climbed down the ship’s rope ladder to search on foot.

It didn’t take long before they found it. Several crates with bags of white powder lay smashed open on a large rock sticking out of the grass, which was white from the powder. Upon closer inspection—which included a quick tasting—the group deduced that the scene had been disturbed by some creature. They didn’t have to wait long to find out what it was as a piercing, hooting screech echoed through the woods and the creature came running toward them with impossible speed.

That’s right, it was an owlbear. Body of a bear and head of an owl, nasty talons for claws. Twice the size of a polar bear. And in this particular instance, coked out of its mind on powdered speed potions.

It did what any angry owlbear would do: attack. Eyes open wide, it threw rocks, slashed its talons at one adventurer before dashing to the next, dodging out of the way when they tried to strike back. It whirled back and forth like a tornado of fur, feathers, and drug-addled fury. But despite its speed, and its apparent inability to feel pain, the group was slowly wearing it down. The wizard, having sampled the powder, was actually able to keep up with the beast and its erratic movements. A few more spells and slashes, and it was down for the count.

The players of course figured out the deal as soon as the owlbear showed up. They had a pretty good laugh at it. The characters informed the merchants of what had happened to their cargo, and went on their way to more serious business.